Posted by truetomyself on October 30, 2009, 9:41 am
My emotions are a wreck, and my resolve is gone. I've been married for 12 years to a really great guy. The man is even great to the point that right now he's telling me that I need to leave. I need to be true to me because he sees how incredibly miserable I am. He says he doesn't want me to stay with him and in the future hate him because he's boxed me in.
He is apologizing profusely right now for not allowing me to go back to school and be able to support myself and my children. (Long story short I've begged to go back to school throughout our marriage and he has refused to allow it to happen for one reason or another) At this point he's telling me I have to go back to better myself. I know that he is saying this because he feels I should go.
I on the other hand am broken. My spirit is broken, My fight for who I am is gone, and my will to even be is pretty far gone. I don't want to go through this fight. I don't want to try to support myself when I have no education and haven't had a job outside of my photography business in over 10 years. I don't want to wreck my childrens' lives so that they no longer have the dance classes they've attended for over 10 years, or the soccer team, or the cub scouts. None of it, I would be taking it all away if I'm so selfish as to leave.
Beyond this I hate who I am. I am appalled by the desires that I have. I question them. I question, maybe I like girls but can still be with a man. I have been with my husband more in the last two days then I have been in months. I am just beat down from this all.
Sadly I am completely heartbroken about se. I love her, I really really do. She makes me feel free. She makes me feel so completely loved. She feels right in my arms.
But how do we do this to a whole gaggle of children? How do I rip apart my family?
Another aspect of this is H and I talked about an open marriage. I was ok until I did find out there is a girl at his work that is very attracted to him and wants a relationship with him. This tore me up. I at first wanted happiness for him, and to meet her, to be friendly to her. However now, I am not a fan of her. I don't want to share my children with her. Maybe I'm just selfish?
My heart hurts today. I don't know which way is up. Now that I even have my husband telling me I'm gay I'm actually more confused and scared. Maybe it's fear of what lies before me. Fear that I won't succeed. Fear that what if SE and I don't work out and we don't stay together? That scares me the most I think. I've waited so long to have her in my life and I'm so close and now I'm scared to death.
I'm running scared back to the protection of my marriage, but as H says, how long will I stay? His opinion is, it's just a matter of time before I finally decide to be true to myself.
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