Posted by Joanne Fleisher on October 14, 2009, 8:40 am
Board Administrator

Upon members' requests, I'm keeping this message at the top. This was directed to bj, who like so many moms, is struggling with doubts and fears about how her decisions impact her kids. Posted by Joanne Fleisher on October 13, 2009, 7:38 pm Board Administrator I'm so sorry you are going through this turmoil and doubt. Let me offer an analogy regarding your question about weighing mom's happiness vs. the pain and disruption of divorce for your kids. On my recent plane flight to the southwest, I heard over and over the flight attendant's speech about how to handle an emergency. If the oxygen masks drop during the flight and you are responsible for a young child, remember to put on your mask first so that you will be able to assist the child with hers. In other words, if you don't take care of yourself, nurture and attend to your own well-being, you will not have what it takes to do good parenting. I saw this first hand myself. I resented the time spent with my kids when I was unhappy and lonely. When I found the right path for myself, I had more than enough joy to offer my children. Parenting became a different experience. Making a good decision for yourself will have mixed consequences--this is true of any kind of major decision. For instance, your entire family will experience a disruption of the way things were. Everyone will have to adjust to change. This is both difficult and yet a real part of life. You will lead the way. If you view change as a tragedy, your kids will pick up on that. If you see it as opportunity as well as a challenge, your kids will too. If you do separate, you are demonstrating a way of following your convictions, a kind of courage for pursuing what is the right path, even when it's not the easiest path. You are teaching your children that they, too, can be true to themselves and perhaps have a new tolerance for difference. The questions I asked myself to help me through my doubts included: What kind of intimate relationship do I want to model for my kids? My relationship with my husband was friendly, but not intimate and affectionate. After knowing what I could have with a woman, would it really be possible for me to be satisfied with what I had with my husband? If not, how could I love and attend fully to the children? Once you've begun to awaken to your love for a woman, life is altered, whether you stay or you leave. It's hard to go backwards and it's scary to move forward. But, which direction do you think is best for you? How your husband is behaving now is not necessarily how it will always be. Your update reveals that he is likely to eventually even out and move forward to find his own happiness. It is more difficult when one parent is not cooperative. If you maintain a good open communication with your kids, they will know that they can talk to you if they feel confused by things husband may say. You may need to help them understand that nasty behavior is never okay, but husband is acting this way because he is confused and hurt. Sometimes I had to help my kids learn how to handle their dad themselves. When they couldn't talk to him about things directly, I let them talk to me and helped them to problem solve. It's always important to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, even when you are angry. They need to feel their loyalty to both parents. Both of my children are happy young women today, fortunately. They didn't love the period of separation, but they are proud of me and had the opportunity to witness a very happy lesbian relationship first hand. Happiness is not associated with one single way of living for either of my grown kids. I hope you find strength to keep moving. The rewards are many. Joanne